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Have you ever noticed yourself holding on to past mistakes long after they’ve occurred? Some of us hold on to things for years and blame ourselves for them relentlessly. Rejecting who we are and not allowing ourselves to find forgiveness. If this sounds like you, know you can change this.
This time of year is a wonderful time of year to think about bringing forgiveness into your past and owning what happened differently. The process of forgiveness might not happen overnight but with self-love actions, it will happen, the journey is different for everyone. But no matter how long it takes, there’s hope and healing waiting for you.
I want to share a personal story with you about how my intuition led me to share my experiences with someone unexpected and brought me into a new perspective where I could find forgiveness for myself and to my surprise one of the most different relationships of my life, the one with my FATHER.
Years back, around the time of my birthday, Deepak Chopra came to my hometown for a speaking engagement. My Dad had just passed only weeks before and I felt a strong sense of urgency to go. The decision to follow my intuitive guidance ended up being an incredible gift during my time of grief. It also led me to a transformational release with my father from our painfully turbulent relationship and a new understanding of the terrible sadness I had in my heart from watching my Dad’s horrific last years of life.
I couldn’t explain why because it’s so out of character for me, but I knew I needed to talk to Deepak. Why him? I can easily explain now years later, my inner guidance pushed me to take the actions to speak with him after the event because what I found in this man was a compassionate spirit that nourished my soul with his wisdom which I, deeply needed at that moment. I also received the safety of someone who was strong enough to hear my story with a powerful presence.
My friends and I waited in a book signing lineup, everyone with books in hand to be signed and I with only my sadness and my story. My turn approaches and I walk up to Deepak, kneel down next to him, tears suddenly filling my eyes and say, “Deepak I’m so happy to meet you. You have had a positive impact on my life, thank you for all you do for humanity. I have no book to sign but I have a story to share with you about my father and his suffering. I’m following my intuitive heart in coming to you; it has been pushing me to come here and meet you and tell you about my father Fred who passed away a few weeks ago.” He looked me in the eyes and replied, “of course share your story”. Even though there was a long line building up behind me I could feel him become ever-present with me, time suspended, everything around me became nonexistent except for this life-changing moment sharing my pain with Deepak.
I tell him my story: “My Dad and I had a volatile relationship. We agreed on nothing. For years I fought with him to better take care of his health and to improve his life. He always managed to shut me down with blame, shame, guilt, down-right rudeness, anything to get me to stop talking about the truth of his life. I knew he was physically and emotionally suffering so much and just did my level best to love him as much as I could under the circumstances of our challenging relationship.
My own life has been riddled with adversity and struggle; self-imposed and not self-imposed. Abuse has run through my life in many forms so I understood the horrible pain of addiction that my father had to suffer, and the pain of not being able to succeed in my own self-care. I knew what that was like, I learnt it and lived it like my father and our ancestors. I had been given a miracle and wanted to give it to my fathers to make it easier for him but as I found out that’s not how it works.
My father suffered from self-hate and not good enough feelings which led to his obesity which he died from at the age of 77. I couldn’t help him, I tried so hard though, I tried and I tried no matter what I loved him. It was my greatest pain to watch him slowly kill himself with the comfort he got from overindulgence in food. It was so very sad.”
Deepak held my heart in his heart for this brief moment and he shared my sadness with me.
With intent in his eyes, he spoke with me soul and soul, I was swept away by his words of compassion and his offering of spiritual love filling me up with peace from his deep understanding of my story. He shared his research on obesity and gave me such unconditional love and wisdom on his research. As you see in the photo he is writing on a paper, he gave me a contact to help me give back to the world on the subject of obesity. He told me to do something better for mankind related to obesity, that to help the world and give my father’s story meaning would help others. So that is what I have done since and will continue to do whenever I can.
I walked away better, more whole and I felt supported in a sacred way.
What I came to realize is that I had to accept that the past and what happened between my father and me and he with himself had to remain there, in the past. I had done everything in my power to amend my past mistakes with my father but I couldn’t take his pain away. He had to forgive himself, he had to find it in his heart to forgive what was hurting his heart and Soul. He needed to find his own amends.
It was time to turn the page on my guilt and self-blame about the feeling that somehow I was responsible for changing my fathers self hatred and his limiting beliefs. I knew at this moment those events in his life were not mine to bear anymore but they were part of his story. I had to turn to forgiveness and allow the experiences I had with my father to be contributors to making me who I am TODAY. I had to forgive myself for the blame he imposed on my heart about his life. I wasn’t responsible anymore for his life, but I could forgive him for his choices and for his decisions. I could become grateful for my life experiences with him which in turn would help me move on and truly forgive myself and him bringing us both peace.
As I speak of forgiveness I want you to think of your story and what’s happened to you. Are there areas of your life that you blame yourself for, that you refuse to forgive yourself for? Write them down and give yourself permission to forgive yourself for them. Explore their meaning and how they have impacted you and then begin your journey of healing.
I felt compelled to share this experience with you in hopes that you think of your life and your need to forgive too. You are more important than the past mistakes you might have made, and I promise you, you are so worth the time and effort.
Forgiveness is a choice and an action that we must give in order to move forward. I have a meditation to help you start the journey.
Listen to it here meditation on Forgiveness and start your healing journey.
Soulfully yours,
Lisa
